i said yes to a blind date.

and then reneged.

why? because when it rains, it pours.

too many changes between saturdays, specifically today and the last one. in the last week, i've had to redefine 3 relationships- to myself, to them. realized that priorities for others, and for myself, can change in a matter of 15 mins. realized that there are things for my life that i want now that i didn't want before, and also realized that there is a chance- a small chance, but still hard to reconcile- that those things may not come to be...i'm still working on accepting that.

one of my best friends moved away.

she is loved, and she'll be missed. terribly. she doesn't really read this blog because, more often than not, she was there with me, or would at least get the royal, theatrical account of my adventures about a min after they happened ;)

and i'm moving.
out- away. today.

i'll no longer come home to two wriggling puppies who demand at least 15 mins of thorough konji konji (cuddling, on a more home-cooked level). no longer come home to a grandmother who prods, gently scolds, and, when that does work, forcibly makes me eat, a father who doesn't get me, but is always there when i need him, and a mother who only gets me enough to fill a biodata. and of course, a sister- who really, above all others, is my best friend.

so, the last week has left me a little bummed- the optimist in me is wavering slightly-and the result?

"a yes", actually more like a "ya, sure, i guess", followed by nothing. i don't know him- don't know what he looks like, don't know what he does, not really sure how old he is either- he does have a red car and he's indian, that i know - but he's not want i want. i know what i want: right now i don't want to be on a blind date with a guy i don't want.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- anyway, still, he doesn't deserve that...i'm pretty sure i raked up a couple karmic bitch points this past week. (readers, feel free to slap me around a bit for that one).

oh, and to top it all off: i burned my boob.
eh, that's not so bad i guess, not like they're of much use to me now anyways. could have been worse- a finger, a toe, a tounge. so there i go, i've found my sliver lining, and with that i'm going to go move my bed.

bah humbug.

Death of a Salesman,
revisited.



rolling home on tired wheels,
choking back tears of fatigue and disappointment,
out turned pockets....again- God, third time this week,
filthy, yellowed hands- wrinkling to 50 a tender 25,
belly full of heartache (a cultivated taste),
weary eyes, worn red- to match a weary heart,
20 cents from empty, 40 to a bed...
It's a powerful kind of lonely
that's holding me tonight.



inspired, in part, by the 5th ace.