boys, consider yourself warned...we come at a price.

i said yes to a blind date.

and then reneged.

why? because when it rains, it pours.

too many changes between saturdays, specifically today and the last one. in the last week, i've had to redefine 3 relationships- to myself, to them. realized that priorities for others, and for myself, can change in a matter of 15 mins. realized that there are things for my life that i want now that i didn't want before, and also realized that there is a chance- a small chance, but still hard to reconcile- that those things may not come to be...i'm still working on accepting that.

one of my best friends moved away.

she is loved, and she'll be missed. terribly. she doesn't really read this blog because, more often than not, she was there with me, or would at least get the royal, theatrical account of my adventures about a min after they happened ;)

and i'm moving.
out- away. today.

i'll no longer come home to two wriggling puppies who demand at least 15 mins of thorough konji konji (cuddling, on a more home-cooked level). no longer come home to a grandmother who prods, gently scolds, and, when that does work, forcibly makes me eat, a father who doesn't get me, but is always there when i need him, and a mother who only gets me enough to fill a biodata. and of course, a sister- who really, above all others, is my best friend.

so, the last week has left me a little bummed- the optimist in me is wavering slightly-and the result?

"a yes", actually more like a "ya, sure, i guess", followed by nothing. i don't know him- don't know what he looks like, don't know what he does, not really sure how old he is either- he does have a red car and he's indian, that i know - but he's not want i want. i know what i want: right now i don't want to be on a blind date with a guy i don't want.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- anyway, still, he doesn't deserve that...i'm pretty sure i raked up a couple karmic bitch points this past week. (readers, feel free to slap me around a bit for that one).

oh, and to top it all off: i burned my boob.
eh, that's not so bad i guess, not like they're of much use to me now anyways. could have been worse- a finger, a toe, a tounge. so there i go, i've found my sliver lining, and with that i'm going to go move my bed.

bah humbug.

Death of a Salesman,
revisited.



rolling home on tired wheels,
choking back tears of fatigue and disappointment,
out turned pockets....again- God, third time this week,
filthy, yellowed hands- wrinkling to 50 a tender 25,
belly full of heartache (a cultivated taste),
weary eyes, worn red- to match a weary heart,
20 cents from empty, 40 to a bed...
It's a powerful kind of lonely
that's holding me tonight.



inspired, in part, by the 5th ace.

done.

now what?

in phoenix, it's pretty hard to tell it's winter leave alone that it's christmas. no snowmen, no fir trees, no carolers, mittens or ear muffs. There are the few, random, sniffly noses, but they’re hardly noticed in a sea of t-shirts and shorts. What is noticed is that whole “good will towards men” thing- thick and delicious in the air, and of course, all the holiday shopping. Tis’ the season to get a new wardrobe, and a big screen tv, and a larger, more robust, waistline.

I don’t celebrate, or partake- hmm, ok, maybe a little, at least in the waistline growing bit. But, all that aside- my family, while we’re all about the food and cheer and twinkling lights, but not so much into the gift giving.

Well, not till this year. This year I hit a Christmas windfall in blessings and gifts. Yesterday my cousins came in- infact we were only expecting one of them and was totally surprised when they both walked up to the door (more on them later, in fact I think I’ll dedicate an entry or two to introduce my family). And today, for Christmas (?), my mother and grandmother got in from India- with 5 suitcases of treasures from my past in tow.

We have this tradition, whenever someone comes back from a trip- specifically from overseas- they have to unpack the min the last bag is in through the door, with all of us sitting around them, telling us stories and tidbits about their trip as they show us all of the souvenirs and treats they’ve brought back with them. Whenever my parents come back from India, they bring with them the standard abundance of colorful salwar suits, saris, chanya cholis and tasty numkeen (sweets and savories)- all graciously received :). This year, my mother brought with her stories and gifts infinitely more appreciated. We sat there, my family in a loose semicircle around her- watching tv, chatting about the trip, ooohing and aaahhing about all the goodies she had brought us, when she threw me a packet- said it was just for me and to open it.

My baby clothes….my childhood toys, the sheets that covered my crib. Good lord, how had she found all of these? how were they intact? I mean, come on…24 yrs old now, something’s got to give. But there it all was, the little cooking vessels I pretended to make meals with, the little dolls that I fed it all to.

I was touched. Incredibly so- touched that she had kept them all these years, and even more so that she brought them back to me.

So, I’ve got to say- clothes, food, toys, family and friends- it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas ;) , and that suits me just fine.

sadhu.blogspot.com presents.....news of the weird:

2:00 pm, at work, conversation in an elevator:

elevator doors open.. i step in side, smile and nod at the guy already in there

him: Rene, how's it going?
me: Sadhana, done for the day- so extremely well, how're you?

him: OH my god! that is so amazing
me: um, pardon?

him: your name, you look exactly- EXACTLY- like i'd picture a sadhana to look!!

(gay?)...................(on a side note, good to know my look doesn't scream "humphrey!"...and on an aside to my side note, 'a sadhana'??? wtf?!?)

him: anyway, i'm doing well...fabulous shoes by the way, i love the red.

(um, let's go with a 'yes')

him: so hey, i've been meaning to ask- you're new here right?, would you like to join me for some coffee or something, lunch, if ever you don't have plans?

(woah, straight?)

me: oh, well i usually eat on the run, but thank you!
him: no matter, just let me know if ever you're free....it was nice meeting you, and, again, totally loving the shoes.

(no no, most assuredly gay- *BIG sigh*)

me: haha, well pass along your size and i'll get you a pair, take care

........
several hours later- 8:00 pm- at the grocery store loading up on juice, etc... in my mighty mouse pjs and a hoodie, standing in line to check out the oddities continue:

indian dude behind me: hey are you stalking me???
me: huh??

desi ka romeo: oh, i'm sorry i thought you were someone else!!
me: (awkward) ha, no matter...

dkr: you go to asu?
me: yes

drk: you go to asu and you live all the way down here???
me: hmm...yes, it's not that bad

("all the way down here" is about 8 miles away)

drk: oh man, you should live closer!
me: yes, i suppose i should, it's really not that bad though
drk: but it's such a waste of gas and i'm sure you'll be closer to the social circuit
me: i get by, the commute doesn't break the bank- besides
drk: well, i live closer... aren't you jealous???
me: (no, sir, but i am feeling a little bit catty) haha, no, but i am curious- you shop all the way down here???? isn't it a dreadful waste of gas??
drk: ya (completely oblivious to the sarcasm), but it's close to work for me, so not bad- if you want i could show you a few apts.
me: thanks, i think i'm good with the status quo-appreciate it though, do take care.
drk: you too, don't get mugged outside!
me: (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) *smile, nod*


i tell you what- when it rains, it pours- pours CRAZY all over this town ;)

I'm dead tired- 7 some odd hours of dance today have left my feet burning and my eyes heavy.

My bed is looking mighty fine right now, plush and cool to the touch, but before i enjoy it i'd like to write for a moment or two about inspiration, the elusive mistress.

A breath of fresh air, at it's most basic level. People starve, gasp, beg- kill to know her. Elusive, musical- speaking to each of us in a different way- as she is, it seems that more and more, found less and less. Or perhaps we are just no longer attuned to her calls. It seems now a days, the best way to find her is through a path someone elses forges... at least that way, we know she can be reached, and we hope that when we reach that point of inspiration it'll push us to greatness like it did those before us.

earlier today- so early it should very well be called yesterday- i was directed by a friend, his pupil, toward a website. Being that it was early then and i was in bed enroute to la la land, i only got the chance to visit a bit ago:

http://www.quantumjujitsu.com/

Sensei Stephen Copping- i wasn't meant to know his living self, but his tribute was enough to reveal what a truly amazing and giving soul he was.

he is to my friend who my guru is to me- the ideal self.
the person who, when i grow up, i hope i grow to be. She's an incredible woman- a mother, a wife, a teacher, a physician, a friend and director of an arts academy where my sister and i go to study dance. she's my grand aunt actually- but dance is what brought ourlives together. my need to learn and her need to teach.
Right now i'm not a writer of caliber enough to articulate exactly how important this woman and the gifts she has blessed me with are, perhaps someday, at which point i wouldn't be able to help but share it with all of you- but for now... she has and forever will be a continuous force of sheer inspiration that pushes me to think and be a bigger self than i'm ever, seemingly, ready to be.

with that said, i watched it first by myself. a few tears (norah jones will do that to you) later i called my mother over.

she was on the phone, but i hit play anyway. she chatted for a bit then something, not sure what, caught her eye, and she told whomever was on the other end of the phone that she'd call them back in a bit. then she put her arm across my shoulder and there we were- me sitting, her standing, watching in silence. when it was over she kissed my forehead and asked if i wanted to call england.

i smiled and shook my head no, it was enough at that point that i was understood and that i understood my friend.

most people move in and out of ourlives leaving, really, very little behind...we squint to place names with faces and faces with memories. but there are those, those who, against all odds made it into ourlives and stuck- and will continue to do so.
today, tomorrow and 20, 30 years from now be it as a memory, a picture, an internet tribute, pushing us to walk through life with our heads a little straighter and standing a little taller than we ever thought possible. to them, the force that binds, we are eternally grateful.


i miss her, and for him, i miss him as well.